Q. How do I stop other people’s urgency from becoming my emergency? I want to be helpful and responsive, but I’m finding their stress becomes my stress. How do I set better boundaries?
There’s a reason someone else’s urgency can so quickly become our own. Energy is contagious. So, when a client comes to us stressed, under pressure, and needing something now, our nervous system can respond to their urgency as though the problem is ours to solve. Add in a desire to be helpful, professional, and responsive, and suddenly we’re rearranging our day to accommodate a deadline we didn’t create.
The first thing to remember is: you can acknowledge someone’s urgency without taking it on. Before immediately saying yes, create a small pause and ask yourself: Is this genuinely urgent, or is someone else feeling urgent? Those are two very different things.
Then, respond with what is possible rather than automatically accommodating what they’ve requested. For example, “I understand you need this quickly. The earliest I can have it to you is Thursday.” You’re still being helpful, but you’re not handing over control of your workload. Being responsive doesn’t mean being permanently available.
It’s also worth looking at the systems around you. Clear turnaround times, automated replies, shared calendars, project-management tools, or simply communicating your availability upfront can set expectations before urgency arises. A good process can hold the boundary for you, so you’re not constantly having to negotiate it. But if you find yourself constantly dropping everything to accommodate others, it might be worth exploring what makes holding those boundaries difficult for you. Sometimes, the real work isn’t managing other people’s expectations, but understanding our own response to them.
If you have a question that you’d like answered by psychotherapist Bronwyn Penhaligon in the Your Health in Mind section of The Adviser, you can email your question in confidence to [email protected].
Or if you feel you need more support, you can visit penhaligons.com.au to schedule a one-on-one appointment.
